omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
