i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
