I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
