she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
