Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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