I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
