i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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