Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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