I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
