i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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