He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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