Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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