I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
