I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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