I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
