Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
