Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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