hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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