I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
