all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
