WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
time to smoke my breakfast
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
tell me about the eggs
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
