I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
