can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
