he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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