i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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