we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize