One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
