I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
