sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
