She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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