1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
