his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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