Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
