I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
