If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
