what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
found the other keg... it's in the tree
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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