I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
