6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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