Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
