I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just tell him i said nine months
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he thought i was a dude.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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