me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
