Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
