there's paper in my vomit.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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