dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
