I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
