HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
