Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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