I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize