you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
