Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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