I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
