theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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