At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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