I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
