Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
MIDGETS
????
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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