I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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