I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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