Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize