he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
