I wish my penis had an off switch
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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