he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
