I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
