honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
