my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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