Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
