I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
