his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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