i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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