Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Randomize
